Cheers to the Bride and Groom: A Tarot Entertainment Provider’s Guide to Nailing that Wedding Speech

Before I started Cup of Sugar “the agency dedicated to helping everyday people experience everyday magic by providing tarot services for weddings, corporate parties and other celebratory events,” I very nearly started the much pithier Cup of Sugar “a writing agency for those who can’t.”

One of the things the latter Cup of Sugar was to focus on included writing speeches for weddings, funerals and other important occasions. Why? Because I already knew that I killed at writing eulogies. (Yes, I feel your judgment over that pun. I reject your judgment.) I’d also written some pretty epic vows for my own wedding, and I’ve been to enough ceremonies to know that some people are truly terrible at speech writing.

This ineptitude was on full display at my sister’s wedding a few weekends ago. From the rambling off-the-cuff toasts that go on way to long to the unprepared versions that tend to be too brief to matter, some people simply cannot give a successful speech to save their lives. And look, I understand that not everyone was meant to be a professional keynote speaker.

But keep in mind that, at weddings, funerals and similar events, the bar for what is considered a successful speech is incredibly low. In its most basic form, the speech must accomplish exactly one thing: Sharing something nice, interesting and/or funny about someone else. Bonus points for nailing all three.

And yet, people fuck it up so often that I was determined to create an entire business around getting it right. I don’t need to do that though. With the right guidance, everyone has the ability to put together a perfectly lovely wedding toast. Here are a few dos and don’ts to get you started.

Dos

Keep It Simple. One of the best pieces of advice I’d ever heard regarding wedding toasts was to follow this formula: Say something nice about the person 1 + Say something nice about person 2 + Say something nice about the couple together = successful speech that literally anyone can write.

I think that advice is golden. It’s also easy to fake if you don’t like one (or both) of the people you’re talking about. I hope you like at least one of them, but again, even that isn’t required to be able to pull this off.

I’d add one more thing, as not everyone is going to want to use this template: This is not the time to regale the attendees with a complex story that requires a lot of explaining. If the crux of the story cannot be shared in two or three sentences, omit it from the toast. No one wants to have to climb Everest in order for you to get to the point.

Be Conscious of Time. Similarly, the attendees have short attention spans. They want to hear a tribute to the couple, but they also want to talk to the other guests, enjoy their dinner, imbibe at the open bar, dance like no one’s watching and eat some goddamn cake. Your 20-minute toast is getting in the way of all that. A five-ish minute speech is more than enough to get the job done. Try not to overcomplicate it because the last thing you want to do is lose the crowd.

Practice Beforehand. Surprised I even have to say this, but apparently, I do. I say this even as someone who writes most things in her head before they ever reach the page. But writing and talking are not the same thing. It’s OK if you don’t want to use notecards or jot down every word or be super precise about the way you tell each anecdote. That’s not everyone’s cup of tea. Keep in mind, however, that thinking about your speech is not the same as practicing it.

If you haven’t done that last bit—and I can’t emphasize this enough—WE CAN ALL TELL. For every person who can just get up and wing it, there are approximately 8 billion others who can’t make that method work. Know your strengths, friend. The best toasts are the versions you’re telling for the third or fourth time.

Don’ts

Go It Alone. I understand that you likely want this speech to be a surprise, but I highly recommend sharing your approach, if not the whole speech itself, with a trusted advisor who will give it to you straight. Running your toast by a neutral third party is the best way to ensure the stories make sense, the jokes land, it isn’t too long or complex, and you’re not leaving anything important out (like, say, the actual toasting of the couple).

Remember, this speech should work for anyone in the audience. Getting the perspective of someone on the outside ensures you’re not inadvertently telling an extended inside joke that no one else will appreciate.

Tell Shitty Stories. Another thing that falls under the category of “should be obvious (but is not always the case).” During the after party following my sister’s wedding, the officiant at her ceremony told me about a wedding he went to where the so-called best man talked about the time he bailed the bride out of jail—something her entire family did not know until that very moment.

Instead of gracefully ending his speech with that bombshell, he tried to recover with another story to which the bride responded, “Nope” and finally, “Stop talking,” forcing the disgraced groomsman to end his toast abruptly and awkwardly. What. The. Fuck?

If I’m being generous, I would say that this disaster is the result of nerves, poor planning and thinking he could joke about something that was actually embarrassing and off-limits for the bride. But it’s also never OK to share stories of that nature at a wedding. Had this person avoided the Don’t Go It Alone recommendation, this chaos could easily have been avoided.

Be Someone You’re Not. The time to launch your standup career is not at your best friend’s wedding. I’d like to think that most people have some level of self-awareness. You know deep down whether you’re funny. If you are, awesome. Rock that shit. But know that it’s also perfectly OK if you’re not.

Few humans are comical to the level of being able to tell hilarious jokes and stories in front of an audience of people they don’t know. If that’s not your strength, opt to own what you are good at—things like being heartfelt, giving epic compliments, making people feel warm and fuzzy. The audience will know if you’re being authentic.

That’s important because when you’re doing you, people are much more likely to give you a pass for the small things like stumbling over your words or taking an extra minute to wrap things up. Your speech doesn’t have to be perfect, but it should sound like you.

Other Important Tips

Watch Your Language. If you know me well, you know this is the last tip you’d expect from someone who often tells people that “fuck” is her favorite word (it’s “chaos,” honestly, but “fuck” is a close second). And I definitely did use the phrase “laugh like an asshole” for emphasis in my vows. My mom audibly said “Jesus, Karli” in response. Karen has no chill, but I digress. For the most part, however, I agree that swearing is best omitted from the wedding toast.

My reason for saying this is that it’s incredibly rare that cussing is required to get the point across. No one wants to listen to a speech littered with f-bombs. This is especially true at weddings where children are present. And while I find it irritating to the nth degree when people act like old people can’t handle swear words—you really think gram and papa never cussed? My own grandmother would swear, without fail, like a little Italian sailor every time the Browns played—a wedding isn’t the time or place for your potty mouth. You’re better off keeping things clean during your five minutes on the mic.

Read the Room. Repeat after me: Not every story is right for every audience. At weddings and in life, these are words to live by. Think about the poor shmuck telling that story about bailing the bride out of jail. Great story for the bachelor party? Absolutely. Appropriate for the toast? Not even a little. Here again, it helps to check in with a third party.

Before I gave my maid of honor speech at my sister’s wedding, I read it to my husband. He might be a little biased, but he sure as hell wasn’t going to let me go up there and make a fool of myself. After I read it, I asked follow-up questions: Is it too long? Does it flow? Do the stories make sense? I asked him because I trusted him to tell me the truth.

I think he did a good job guiding me because after I finished my toast, people clapped heartily. Someone I’d never met came up to me to tell me it was the best speech he’d ever heard. Another person told me he’d hate to be the one to follow it. They could have just been being blandly nice for no reason, but I appreciated it never-the-less. Below, I’ve shared my speech for reference, so you can judge it for yourself.

Ultimately, the point of this section is to say that what works well at one wedding may be a total bust at another. Being asked to speak at a couple’s wedding celebration is a great responsibility. When in doubt about what to share, err on the side of kindness. The couple has trusted you to make them look good, so try not to fuck it up.

One Woman’s Successful Speech (If I do say so myself..)

Hi, everyone.

How ‘bout that ride in? Heh heh. I guess that’s why they call it Canton, Ohio.

Now, if that awkward opener seems out of nowhere, I don’t mean to exclude you. Originally, this line came more or less from the American comedy, the Hangover. It also happened to be the way my sister Kadie opened her maid of honor speech in 2017 when about half of us here today gathered to celebrate my marriage to the super-hot gentleman seated right there.

After Kadie kicked off her speech with what I am now finding is still a weird inside joke that no one really appreciates other than us, she went on to give a very heartwarming speech about how she had a terrible sister who wouldn’t play with her and spent her whole life waiting for a brother like Randy.

It was sweeter than I’m making it sound. But I can only follow in Kadie’s maid of honor footsteps so far this time. The truth is that I grew up never really wanting a sister, so I definitely didn’t also want a brother-in-law (sorry, Aaron). This is confirmed by a very incriminating VHS tape where my four-year-old self tries to off little Kadie with a baton.

Kadie, ever the scrappy survivor, lived to tell the tale, and now, years later, I am very grateful for the relationship we do have, one that is defined by Skype calls, internet memes and shared screenshots of the weird things our parents text us so that we can make fun of them behind their backs and sometimes to their faces. Sorry, mom and dad!

So, I can’t give an impassioned speech about adding a new family member into the mix. I can however say this: I couldn’t be happier that my beautiful, anxious, wacky, mercurial, hardworking sister found someone she actually likes enough to marry. If you know Kadie well, you know this is kind of an accomplishment.

And I am even happier that this person is Aaron, a man who takes Kadie and all her insanity with a grain of salt, while also ensuring that she does all the adult things she needs to do to survive in the world. More than that, Aaron is someone who makes Kadie laugh, supports her dreams and always encourages her to be the best version of herself. What more could someone want for their sister?

Kadie and Aaron work because they understand one another, they want the same things, and they love the person they’re marrying for who they are right now, not who they hope they’ll be down the line. In honor of this union, what I most want to share with my sister, my new brother and all of you gathered here today, are three small things that I wish I’d known when I said I do four years ago.

1. Marriage is work, but it doesn’t have to be hard work.

The first part is common knowledge. People can’t wait to tell you that bit, that true love is work, compromise, effort. But what a lot of people forget to say is that when you love your partner, the work won’t break you. It isn’t all that hard. It certainly isn’t always fun, but it’s necessary and never so much work that you can’t handle it together. And after it’s done, you’re better for having done it in the first place.

2. Love saves you when Like goes missing; Like saves you when Love gets lost.

Author F. Scott Fitzgerald had a beautiful quote that is appropriate here. He said that "All life is just a progression toward, and then a recession from, one phrase — 'I love you.'" We spend our whole lives moving closer to or farther from love. And that is because love is always a choice.

It is one Kadie and Aaron will make over and over again throughout their lives together. Sometimes, you two will fight, feel hurt, need space. You won’t always like the person you’re with, the decisions they make, the way they handle every situation. But in those moments of conflict and distance, you will remember your love for one another and you will persevere.

Similarly, you will not spend every moment of your marriage deeply, passionately, inexhaustibly in love. You can’t. It’s impossible to exist that way. You’d never leave the bedroom to get anything done. And in those moments when life gets in the way of love and connection, you will remember that the person you married is someone you like more than anyone else you’ve ever met. Out of all the fish in the sea, you opted to pair up with the one guppy that understands you in a way no one else ever could.

3. The little things will make or break your marriage.

Every morning, Randy makes us celery juice (because we’re hippies) and coffee (because we’re humans). If I sleep in a little late, I wake up to a glass of juice and a thermos of java on the windowsill next to my side of the bed. Nearly every day begins this same way. And every night, I make us a cup of herbal tea. I put two mugs, one spoon and a jar of honey on the coffee table. When we’re finished, I put toothpaste on our toothbrushes and a string of floss next to each brush. Almost every evening ends this same way.

Why am I telling you all this? To exemplify one simple fact: Great marriages, the ones that last a lifetime, are the culmination of a million little gestures.

Today, your wedding day, is the grand show. It is the party, the shindig, the celebratory affair. But what it is not, what it can never be, is the happily ever after. Once all the cake is eaten and the final drinks are poured, you two will be left to your own devices. You have to write the rest of the story alone.

And in order to do that successfully, you must reaffirm your love again and again. The big milestones will be exciting and joyous. But there is so much beauty in the mundane, too. And ultimately, marriage is often more mundane than momentous. It is coffee and tea and brunch and dog parks. It is dishes washed when the other person cooks, and filling out that paperwork your wife absolutely refuses to deal with. It is triumphs and tribulations and everything in between.

Kadie and Aaron, I wish you many, many wonderful years together. May you do the work of marriage with joy. May you continue to learn and grow with one another through the momentous and the mundane. And should you ever find yourselves lost, may you always, always find your way back to love.

With that said, I raise my glass and invite you all to do the same. Cheers to the bride and groom!

Now, that I’ve said my piece and, with any luck, never have to attend a wedding with a painful toast ever again, I’d like to offer my services for your next celebration. The Cup of Sugar that exists today is available to provide tarot services at weddings and other gatherings. You can learn more about what to expect here. To inquire about booking this entertainment experience, email me directly at Karli.a.petrovic@gmail.com.