F*&% Feedback: The Case for Creative Confidence
After more than a decade of being my own boss, I like to tell people that I’ve become completely “unhireable.” The last time I was employed by someone in addition to myself was 2015 (I had to check LinkedIn to be sure), and that job lasted five excruciatingly long months before I left to take a contract gig with Intel. Freedom beckoned. I never looked back.
Since then, I’ve thought a lot about why the universe always seemed to be guiding me to sole proprietorship. It’s the Aquarian me that doesn’t like being told what to do (and usually won’t listen regardless), but my unhireability runs deeper than that. In the intervening years between that short-lived nonprofit gig and now, I’ve realized that there are quite a few reasons I no longer have the patience for participating in corporate America.
Here's a brief list:
I want to work when I work best, not within the confines of an arbitrary 9-to-5 productivity window.
I absolutely refuse to set performance goals for the sole purpose of making some mid-level manager feel good about their operational processes.
I am not interested in working for assholes and other people I don’t like.
I don’t care about giving or receiving feedback.
Wait, what’s wrong with asking for feedback?!
Out of the four, I’m willing to bet that the final point was the most surprising. Sure, doing things you don’t enjoy at times you don’t enjoy them for people you dislike sucks. Most people agree on that much. Feedback, though, that’s the sticking point. Our society loves feedback. We value it very highly, and there are many savvy business consultants who tell you never to leave home without it, lest you tank your career by being disagreeable.
And look, I’m not saying there’s never a time or place for feedback. If you’re learning a new skillset or collaborating with a new client, receiving feedback is often essential. You need to know if you’re on the right track or if the partnership is a good fit. Similarly, if you’ve been working on something for so long you’re starting to lose your mind, it’s in your best interest to request a second set of eyes, someone who isn’t too close to the project to be impartial about what’s working and what’s not. Feedback has a purpose. It’s just not the be-all-end-all of C-suite success.
And while many business coaches are quick to suggest that feedback from your peers and superiors is a necessary career hack and a subtle way to network with the higher ups, allow me to offer a different perspective. Asking for feedback is merely a glorified way of asking someone for their opinion—and a surefire way to indicate that you’re not confident in your own.
The feedback fallacy explained.
It’s completely understandable that asking for feedback has become one of those buzzy business catchphrases like “authenticity,” “humility,” “vulnerability” and “lean in.” We live in a society where everyone is not only able to share their every thought, opinion and perspective, but also encouraged to do so. It follows, then, that when we are constantly bombarded by other people’s hot takes*, we start to think that we need them to ensure our work is good, right, important and well-received.
The worst part is that we begin to doubt our ability to discern those things for ourselves. This need for feedback becomes less motivating and increasingly paralyzing. Uncertain of our skills and gifts, we lack the confidence to fearlessly put our work out into the world. We wonder if it will hold up under the scrutiny of other people’s critical gaze, especially if we are doing something that has been done before or in a style that someone else has popularized. Feedback often becomes the space where self-doubt kills your creation before you had a chance to realize it.
The other problem with asking for feedback is that people often give equal weight to every opinion. Why would you ever want feedback from someone who doesn’t have your best interests at heart? Someone you wouldn’t trust to get your coffee order right? Someone who isn’t skilled in the medium you’re creating in? Someone you don’t even particularly like or respect? Your own feedback is bound to be better than what you’d get from any of these fools.
Like fat, use feedback sparingly.
I have approximately five people in my life that I would trust to give me feedback. I trust them because I know, at the end of the day, they want to see me win. I also know that they aren’t trying to compete with me or make me feel bad or keep me from birthing the right creative baby into the world. I also know that they aren’t simply doing to love everything I do because I’m the one who did it.
If I valued that kind of feedback (and again, there is a place for this type of thing when we need a little push or boost to get things going), I would ask my mom. She’s proud of me no matter what. That’s a really nice thing, but it’s also completely unhelpful. If I need support, she’s got my back. If I need a real perspective, I ask my husband, who can accurately separate my best work from the stuff I did hastily because I had to meet a deadline and I waited until the 11th hour.
In addition to limiting the number of people you trust to provide feedback, limit the number of times you ask for it. You are a highly intuitive being, a powerful creator, the master and mistress of your own universe. You do not need feedback on everything you do! Trust yourself to create what is in your heart. Have confidence in your ability to manifest the things that are within you. You don’t need everyone’s opinion to know if your work is honest, authentic, important, true. You need to trust your own opinion about those things.
And if you like what you created and others don’t? Ask yourself if they were ever in your corner, rooting for you, willing you to win. If so, maybe take a moment to consider their perspective. If not, fuck them. They’re not your people. But either way, remember that your opinion is the only one that really matters. Double down when you need to. The person you most need to trust with your genius is you.
Some final thoughts on feedback culture.
The other side of asking for feedback is giving it. Engage in this process in moderation as well. Consider whether the person asking really needs your input or if you’re simply itching to tell them what you think. If you have their best interests at heart, you might tell them that they are the best judge of their work.
Imposter syndrome comes for us all at some point. The most helpful perspective can be to tell someone that it’s coming for them—and that they alone have the power to tell that whiny voice in their head to get the hell out. We all lack creative confidence at some point. Try not to contribute to the problem by reinforcing that feedback from outside sources is somehow the ideal solution.
*The irony is not lost on me that this post is, in fact, my hot take on giving and getting feedback. As with all opinions, you can take this one or leave it. I support your self-trust around whether this content resonates with you personally. I certainly will not be offended either way.